<> <> THE RETURN I'm back! <> Yeah ok so why did I stop doing SCUMFEAST METAL 666, what have I been doing and why did I return? Hmmm? Well the reasons I could give you are not exciting. Trust me I wish it was but alas I'm left to being private about all of that. So instead I've come up with some bullshit, ya know total fucking lies, which you'll probably like more than the truth. Hey people its the internet and not only do some of the people you trust dish out bullshit but you eat it up as if it were candy. The difference between those other people and me is that I admit that what you are about to read is total bullshit. But it does sound cool. Shall we? <> QUESTION 1: Why did I stop doing SFM 666? The metal scene was inundated with way too many hipsters so I just went underground until they all left. I mean seriously a few years ago there were hipsters everywhere and especially on the internet. It got so bad that I become hipster paranoid. Seriously if you remember some of my past reviews I was spewing so much hate on hipsters that a music forum site banned me from posting my reviews because they believed hipsters should be protected from hate speech and verbal bullying. (ok that part about being banned from a site is true. Actually I got banned from plenty of Facebook event posts as well because of my "negative comments about people who may or may not be hipsters.") When I'd come home late at night I entered my house with my pistol drawn just in case there was a hipster inside waiting, by my record collection of course. One night I was hanging out at my favorite local dive bar and in walked a bunch of hipsters. I got up, went to the men's room and immediately called the FBI on my cell phone. I explained to the person on the other end of the phone that I was at a bar and some suspicious looking individuals walked in. I described them as having long beards, thick rimmed eyeglasses, spoke in a language I couldn't understand and they were all dressed in a similar fashion that just didn't look right. The man on the phone asked me if I thought they were Islamic terrorists? I told him no but they are hipsters which is basically the same thing. They both hate our Western ways, seek to destroy everything we love and want us to conform to their ways or die. Would you believe the FBI guy hung up on me? Seriously it got so bad that if I was in a deep sleep and someone threw a bucket of water on me I'd wake up screaming "I Hate You Fuckin Hipsters!" But I'm back to say I'm better now. Are the hipsters all gone? Well not really in fact plenty of em are embedded within the metal scene. The good thing is that, despite our leaders trying to down play the threat of hiptardism, a majority of metal fans recognize the threat and are fighting back. A few years ago terms like "hiptard", "indie rock loser" and "pitchfork reading pussy" were considered hate speech. But now they are rallying cries to fight back against the invading minority of hiptards. If they don't want to assimilate into the metal scene then get the fuck out. We don't care about your ambient noise, your melodic heavy sounding bands or your love of Townes Van Zant. We know the enemy and they are the scensters, the posuers, the trendies, the coffeehouse worms, the post grad liberal losers, the neo hippies who babble on about psych, proto doom and the return of post rock, the new wannabe punk chic/hardcore pc ilk and finally the media cocksuckers who fuel their terrorism of bad music taste. The face of hiptardism will be covered by a size 13 vibrum soled black work boot. To paraphrase the immortal words of OD from the movie Terrorvision, "Hey hipster dude, you like Metal? Then kiss the boot." Update: Ok it was fun writing that back then but the truth is yes I Hate Hiptards but my second career as a chef at a cool restaurant kinda takes precedent over much of my time to write. I come home late at night, most of the time with a six pack of good beer (strong IPAs), play metal or punk music and post Youtube vids on Facebook of what I'm listening to. Then I post comments about politics or social issues to piss thin skinned people off. QUESTION 2: Once again, why did I stop doing SFM 666? Well once I saw people in the metal media slobber over that BARONESS release, Green and Yellow, I kinda figured it was (in the immortal words of Yogi Berra) "Deja Vu all over again." Remember the 1990s? I do very well. That was when you had the first invasion of losers into the metal scene who started promoting crap like "nu metal", "rap metal" (which could be the same thing) and "alternative metal" (which is an oxymoron but it comes with the territory). Back then I despised all of that crap and still do. So a few years ago I saw a return of the dumb shit but with a new bunch of ass clowns promoting genre terms like "thinking man's metal", "post black glaze", "progressive ambient noise" and "proto doom". For a while I just walked away from the interwebs, laughed it off and devoted time and energy into my second career. After a year I moved onto inebriation with the help of high alcohol IPAs, ya know the one's that hiptards say they love but can't afford to buy because they're always broke. I moved onto listening to every record, cd and tape I own along with drinking copious amounts of high alcohol IPAs. It was always fun to come home late at night from work, actually early morning since I work vampire hours, drink a six pack then follow it up with a higher alcohol content four pack and play various extreme music. At the same time I'd be posting videos of said music from You Tube onto Facebook with comments like; "It's 3:47 AM, I'm on my fifth Hoppium and playing VADER. Who else does that?" Then again I might post something like this; "It's Sunday night, well actually it's Monday morning but who's counting except me and I'm on my second Detour Double IPA so here's the MENTORS because Duce Saves." Then again I could get down right mean by saying; "If I ever see some beardo fuckface drinking a Hopnosh I'm gonna slap it outta his hands and tell em to keep your filthy hands off of beer and my metal ya douce bag. I'll rip that phoney beard off your face and expose your pimples to the world acne boy. Here's some MAYHEM. Deathcrush aka True Norwegian Black Metal, Black Fuckin Metal." So now I just figured what the hell, why waste all those words on my friends when I can go back and do it on SFM666. Update: Yeah that's all true. Although I'm drinking a wider selection of beers. Hiptards can't afford what I drink and they never tip at bars. QUESTION 3: Ok lets try this again, why did I stop doing SFM 666? Well have you ever heard of internet trolls? They are these losers who spend all of their time online, because they don't work (either their parents take care of them or they're living on unemployment). So while online they troll the internet and attack anyone or anything they disagree with which is just about everyone. The trolls in the metal scene are real shitbags. Everything they ever learned about metal they learned on the internet. Most of the music they have came from downloading. They all started out on Myspace and became trolls on various forum sites. Because they're computer savvy they can whip out various factoids, web addresses, You tube vids, etc, faster then your average computer user. Well nowadays if some people disagree we're adults about it, yeah even on the internet but the trolls. So if you post a negative review of a release on a forum site that a troll likes then not only will they barrage you with insults on that site but they go further. They have plenty of free time on their hands to troll your website/blog in order to find whatever personal info you let fly. They then go after you on social media, find your email address and then with a little help from their troll friends, either hack your info or send you a virus. One time a few years back I posted a review on a forum site which was a negative one about a band who was being over hyped in my not so humble opinion. While the comments were a mixed bag of equal parts agree to disagree, one guy acted as if I committed a unforgivable sin which he felt needed avenging. So for a week every insult he threw at me I countered with far better one at him. This drove him insane and his insults turned to threats. After I informed him that his complete loss of sanity in the discussion was proof that he lost the argument I left the site for a few weeks. When I finally returned, because I got curious to see what had happened after my departure from the site, I couldn't believe what I found. This loser kept arguing. Worse yet he posted links to the thread of other reviews I had written about releases he liked but I didn't and went about pointing out every thing he believed I was wrong about. I just couldn't help myself so I posted a link to a mental institution's website and told him to get his parents to rent him a room there immediately. His answer, which was quick, was that I should count the days because he was going to destroy me. I just blew it off and never posted anything on that forum site nor did I go there again. A few weeks later I started receiving emails from Yahoo on my Yahoo email account that I needed to change my password. I never answered them. Then one day my virus protection sever notified me that I had a virus and needed to do system check which I did. Bamm, a virus fried my pc. I couldn't get onto the internet to fix it either. Now do I believe the troll caused it? I don't know at least back then I didn't think it could be done. People/bands were always sending me music to review and I'd download music files thinking they were safe. Over the past few years I've learned that these internet trolls are smart albeit fascist shitbags who love progressive causes (yes people, fascists are progressives). All in all I was out of a computer, just starting a new job and couldn't afford a new one. To make matters worse I was relocating to a new residence and had to spend money on more important things. But now I'm back and as Caesar once said, "Here I Stand and oh yeah, Fuck the Trolls". Update: Ah yeah that is true. I think it's amazing what people who are against freedom of speech can do on the internet as opposed to my days in print media. QUESTION 3: Ok lets try this once more with feeling, why did I stop doing SFM 666? Ok, just like millions of other people in 2009 I ran into some hard times economically. The business I worked for shut down. I lost my house and ended up moving around alot. Yeah life sucked but I fought. It took a while but I finally got a good job and a shithole place to live but my priorities were work and keeping a roof over my head. Doing the blog was always on my mind but in the back. Eventually I got into a simple pattern of working my ass off and coming home to wind down usually with a six pack of good craft beer. Then I started the rebuilding process. Got a new laptop, nice clothes, still bought music and went to shows occaisionally when I didn't have to work (a rarity). After a few years I moved up the ladder at work and now make decent money. The last part was to get out of the shithole living space and into something better which is where I'm at now. Whoooooo! SCUMFEAST METAL 666 - The Future So yeah I'm back now, wiser and maybe meaner than before. I'm not going back to the usual format of just writing about music. I've got so much to share and it might be about movies, the media, personal observations, food and yeah music. As far as the music goes, it might be other than metal. I like a lot of genres of music but all good ones of course. So we'll just have to see how it goes. Finally, I just wanna say that over the past couple of years I've seen hope for the whole Extreme Music scene. Back in 2009 it was the height of hiptardism and complete banality. But sometimes you see cracks in the wall of confusion. I remember being at a CARCASS show and was overwhelmed at seeing a lot of old school metal/punk friends as well as a whole new younger generation of extreme music fans going nuts. I was like "hell yeah, this is the way it should be." When I was at the last SAINT VITUS show, no Wino but yeah Scott on vocals, I was like "wow no beardo losers and the local hipster writer for the local hiptard/liberal/socialist/idiot paper was not there as well." So yeah things are better now.